Heyyyyyy Y’all! Whew! It’s been a long time. It’s been even longer since I posted consistently. I’ve missed Y’all so much. But you can probably guess from the title that my mind has been preoccupied. There were so many days that I wanted to write but I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have the fight. I’m open about my struggle but I’m also very guarded which only adds to my battle. It’s been hard. Some days I feel great, other days I just feel sad and out of place. My therapist tells me to “Ride the wave,” and I’m trying. I have a small but mighty village and they have definitely been my saving grace. I was in a dark hole. I just didn’t know how deep until my therapist all but called my doctor on my behalf to get a prescription for antidepressants. She even made me a leave her voicemail the next day to confirm that I made an appointment.
I was thinking, “Damn, it’s that deep, huh?”
Hiding it from my children has been the hardest part. I swear all of my kids are empaths, and I think it’s unfair to burden them with this. But they know I haven’t been myself. They ask me all the time if I’m okay or if I’m tired. I believe transparency with my kids is important to a certain extent, and I promise to share my journey with them when they’re a little older. For now, I want to protect their innocence as long as I can. Honestly though, they also trigger my anxiety and depression and that also makes me sad. They smother me with love and questions and it can be too much at times. But I’m a work in progress and I’ve been doing the work. It’s a journey, right? I’m stronger now so,I felt inspired to let Y’all know that I’m doing okay.
My last couple of therapy sessions have really challenged me to release the unrealistic expectations of perfection that I put on myself and others. It’s the need to always be perfect and not living up to those expectations that has had me so heavy. We’d talked about perfection many times before but now that we’ve peeled back more layers, I was finally able to receive her message with a new understanding and free myself of this self-sabotaging burden. So, it hasn’t been all bad. I’m learning myself again and I’m growing. Also, I set some goals at the beginning of the year, and I crushed them! I purchased my first home and received a promotion at work. I’m doing my best to find my light and stay in it.
So, let’s talk.
How are you feeling? Have you checked in on yourself lately? Are you letting others in?
Listen. I debated about writing this post because I was worried Y’all would be tired of reading about my sad story. But this is my life and this shit is real. Depression has been lingering in the background of my life for years until I finally just broke. I know I’m not alone. So, let me tell you just in case you didn’t know. It’s okay to not be okay. Your feelings are real and valid. Life is hard and we’re all busy, but please don’t let yourself go unchecked. Check in on yourself often. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. If you are near the edge, I encourage you to talk to someone TODAY. Find your village and lean hard. They won’t let you fall. You are loved and needed in this world. So let’s all do our parts to take care of ourselves. Keeping going, Y’all! We got this!