Commitment Issues: Fed Up With Being Fat

So, I have a confession. . . I have commitment issues! My on-again/off-again relationship with my body has been exhausting and I’m fed up with myself. Although my weight has been up and down since having children, I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life.  Even when I was half my size, I had body issues.  A size 9 didn’t hold a candle to my skinny friends and cousins who I spent most of my time with growing up. So, it became easy for me to be insecure about my physical appearance. I know we are insecure about something, but I’ve allowed my insecurities to take over my life.

However, as much as I hate the way I look, I have yet to stick to any commitments I’ve made to change it.  I’ve lost weight, gained weight, lost weight, had children, lost weight, and gained weight. . . so many times already.  I’ve spent so much money on weight loss programs and challenges, gym memberships, supplements, recipe books, you name it. But no matter what, I always quit.

I  set a goal for myself at the beginning of the year to lose at least 40lbs by my 30th birthday, which is in August, and I haven’t lost a pound.  In fact, I’ve probably gained weight, but I’m too pissed at myself to step on the scale. I find myself crying and complaining daily about my weight problem instead of taking action.  Why do we spend so much energy complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves instead of using that energy to do something about it??

Now, I have to be honest.  I know that I’m a plus size girl, but I often live in denial.  It makes me cringe when someone calls me a “big girl,” and I always look at clothes in my size with surprise because the waistline is so large.  To be even more honest, this is the first time that I’m admitting that I’m fat.  There’s no need to say, “Oh girl, you’re not fat; you’re beautiful.” Well thank you, but the truth is I am beautiful, and I am fat, and I’m not happy about it.

I’m tired of my damn shirts rolling up and my pants rolling over.  I’m tired of struggling to breath while bending over to tie my shoes. I’m tired of letting my mom have all the fun with my kids because I’m too tired to run and play.  I know my weight has attributed to a lot of my health issues, and my doctor made that abundantly clear when he recommended I lose at least 80 lbs.  It wasn’t surprising to hear him say those words, but it was definitely a punch in the gut as the words rolled off his tongue.

You’d think that would have been the moment I’d finally commit to a healthy lifestyle, but nope, it wasn’t.  Shortly after that candid conversation, I completed a 21-day challenge and had great results; however, I went back to my same old ways of bad eating and no exercise on day 22.  There is always an excuse for why I bought fast food instead of cooking a meal or why I didn’t have time to workout. I would say things like, “I just bought McDonalds because I forgot to take something out to cook, and the kids were starving,” or “I was going to workout today, but I was so busy. Maybe tomorrow. ” But my favorite line is “This is my last day eating [insert all bad food]. It’s time to get it together.”

It wasn’t until I took a picture [shown above] with two of my cousins, who are my brother and sister in Greekdom, that I saw just how much I had let myself go.  I was so ashamed of myself for not being my best self and was so embarrassed to know that everyone on social media would see it too. I should be happy to have a forever memory with two of my favorite people, but all I can see is my expanding waistline.

I’ve missed out on so many memories that I could have created with friends and family because I’m too insecure about how I look, and I can’t live in the moment because I’m too busy trying to hide my body behind a table hoping no one will notice how much weight I’ve gained.  I’m writing this post to be completely transparent with myself. It’s past time for me to make a commitment of consistency and accountability.  So, I say to myself – NO MORE EXCUSES! JUST DO IT!

So, let’s talk.  What commitments have you failed to stick to and why? Have you wanted to finish that degree but can’t find time? Wanted to start a new career or business venture but have given up on yourself? Made commitments to family and friends but something always comes up?

Are you just as fed up as I am?

If you are, I challenge you to join me on this journey to start fresh right now on whatever your commitments are and never look back! It’s too late to dwell on why we ended up here, but it’s not too late to change direction.  It’s time we be the woman or man of our word and make the commitments that are not necessarily easy but are definitely worth it in the end.  So, are you ready? Because a fresh start means a strong finish!

💜 Tiarra